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How We Got Here
While my story is heartbreaking, it's one that too many women can relate to. In the early months after losing my son, I found it somehow comforting to read stories of other moms who had gone through similar experiences. My soul felt connected to theirs, reminding me that although the journey can feel lonely, I am not alone.
Our Story
Hi, I'm Amanda, and I am Walker's mom. My story starts when I was 20 weeks pregnant, and even though I had a healthy pregnancy up to that point, that day my water broke. I then spent the next couple weeks in the High-Risk OB ward of the hospital, fighting for my son’s life. Walker James Woo was born July 12, 2023, at 12:42 AM. Born with a full head of black hair, he weighed 1 pound and 1.5 ounces, and he was 7 inches long.
I always believed I was great in an emergency, for someone who is never calm or levelheaded, during an emergency, I can maintain an overwhelming sense of calm and composure. The night Walker was born, I was rushed into an emergency c-section even though I was only 22.5 weeks pregnant, I remained calm. I had an incredible amount of faith that he was going to be ok, I knew so many people with miracle stories of babies surviving premature deliveries, and I was ready for my miracle.
If only it worked that way.
Playing over in my head was “I know he is early, really early, but I’m ready for him”. His crib and nursery furniture were already built, his closet was full, his car seat was ready to be installed, he was early, but I was ready.
What I wasn't ready for was the NICU doctor to walk through the curtain where I was recovering to tell us that Walker was not going to make it, his lungs just were not strong enough to survive due to the complications I had experienced over the last couple of weeks. They wheeled a bed in for my husband to lay next to me and we held our son as we wept. He passed in our arms only a short while after. I never understood what agonizing grief and unbearable heartbreak were, until now.
Although I will never understand why my son was taken so soon, I do believe that his life has a bigger purpose than just his short time here. I believe that by using the pain from my loss, I can help support other moms enduring infant loss, the way so many helped me.
Holding Grief Differently
Over time I found the space between my chest and my arms where a baby is supposed to lay, felt so empty. You are left with all this postpartum love but no baby to dote on. It's a lonely place and just another physical reminder that your child is gone. Crocheting these Wilds sort of fell in my lap, but truly started to become a physical part of my healing journey as creating these and holding them soon started to fill that empty space in my arms.
My grief counselor told me many times, that while the heartache of losing a child may not go away, you will learn to carry or hold your grief differently. Grief changes and looks different over time. Just because I get out of bed, just because you don’t see me crying, does not mean my sadness has gone away. Holding these Walker’s Wilds in my arms began to feel like I was physically starting to hold my grief differently. They became a physical part of my personal healing journey. In sharing my story and resources that have helped along the way, I hope to support others who have endured infant loss in their own healing journey.
